A photo prompt for the speculative fiction writers out there. How would you write this scene in show don’t tell?
Here’s mine.
*****
I slipped my hand into Jakon’s as we strolled along the highest catwalk in the city park.
“It’s beautiful.” I sqeezed his hand.
A big grin lit up his long face. “I knew you’d like it here.”
This close to the dome, we could see the sun sending its beams through the clouds. The devastated land was too far below us to see clearly. The perfectly controlled air temperature blew gently over us, stirring Jakon’s wavy red hair.
“We’ll have to get back soon.” I sighed.
A loud hum made me look up. My jaw swung loose.
Sailing against the clouds was some kind of vehicle. I’d seen pictures like it in history posts.
Jakon gawked. “Nothing can live outside the dome.”
“Maybe it’s a government or military vehicle.”
“But everybody travels underground to visit the other domes.”
The flying vehicle turned, heading straight for us.
Wow, talk about imagination! Here’s mine:
When I signed up for the experimental community on Mars, I thought I’d be a modern-day explorer with excitement and accolades, not just a number in desperate need of a shower. Astronomers could melt the polar ice caps, making surfable waves – if only we could leave the stuffy domes. I was bored, but not losing my sanity – yet. Heath, on the other hand, was steadily losing any ability to make good judgments. How he ever passed the psych evaluation to make the cut was beyond me.
I stared out of Dome #2, watching the star light fade and those incredible surfing waves crash into my stupid glass sanctuary. A sudden roar above my head almost made me wet my space diaper. Where did that plane come from? Was terrestrial control shooting at it?
Where was Heath? I needed to get to Dome #1. Safety protocol was drilled into our heads (figuratively, but they preached at us so much that it was almost literally drilled into our heads). Get to Dome #1. I ran toward the tunnel, pushing past other human guinea pigs to find Heath. I tripped over an oxygen line and watched the intruder’s plane swoop between the domes. No way. The pilot wasn’t an intruder. It was Heath.
Great beginning! I like the description of human guinea pigs and details like tripping over an oxygen line. It puts me in your character’s head.